Glass
by Depraved Doll
Summary: “Sometimes, the way you look at me, it’s like you’re settling for me,” Ianto finds that he’s loosing himself and Jack may be loosing him aswell… Janto


**Glass**

Summary- "Sometimes, the way you look at me, it's like you're settling for me," Ianto finds that he's loosing himself and Jack may be loosing him… Janto

_First ever Torchwood Fic, I hope you enjoy,_

_XxxxxxX_

There are times in everyone's lives when they start wondering if they have made the right choices, Ianto had spent months ignoring these voices until he no longer could. They screamed at him with such an intensity that he thought his very skull might explode, that he felt as though he was being torn apart piece by agonising piece, like a sheet of paper, slowly, torturously, being ripped in half. He cried and he screamed and he allowed the things that went bump in the night to land a punch because sometimes he thought it might be easier to give up.

His heart was so fragile, like a compound sharing the weaknesses of both ice and glass, he foresaw it being shattered, felt the pieces flake away from the whole as the uncertainty nibbled away at it. He left his apartment in the middle of the night, his mind unable to accept any rest, it was raining and too cold for anyone else to be out bearing the weather, he didn't notice anymore.

He stumbled like a drunkard down the Cardiff streets, tears slipping from his eyes to be concealed by the rain that danced upon ashen skin. He didn't really know where he intended on going, he just walked, his mind screaming and yet whispering to him, images being played over and over again inside his head and he wanted it to stop. He just begged for it all to stop, there's only so much one person can take.

Ianto had never been very lucky with love, he often found himself wondering if it was more trouble than it was worth. He wondered if they thought that he was blind, or too stupid to notice the subtle glances, touches, the near miss kisses. He wondered if it was something that he was just meant to accept. He couldn't, whenever he closed his eyes the images danced in front of his closed eyelids, playing out like a movie on a screen.

He was set on self destruct and he couldn't break away from it again, he fell to his knees with a thud, water dancing around him as his weight forced it back up from the ground it rested on. He screamed at the floor, lashed out at it as if it would make a difference. If he was surprised when it didn't he failed to show it, merely apathetically staring at the world racing past him. He hadn't slept in what felt like months, he shook and he watched, wide-eyed as nobody really noticed he was loosing himself a little more each day.

He rose from the ground, lifting his body gracefully but holding it with none of the confidence that he had once possessed, he felt as though it had been beaten out of him. As though something had snapped and was gone forever.

He walked and he walked, clothes soaked and skin frozen beneath the layers, he grit his teeth and gnawed on his bottom lip bringing up his ever faithful composure as tears continued to fall from pale blue eyes.

The gears turned and creaked as the door rolled open allowing for Ianto to step into the hub, slowly closing behind him he made his way further into Torchwood, steps seeming louder than ever as he carefully stepped from one to the next. The metal grating beneath his feet clanking loudly in his ears, he didn't care much about any of it anymore. He felt no need to be quiet or to sneak around; he needed to get away before it drove him mad, needed to let it all out before it ripped him apart at the seems.

He stood at his workstation, water running out of the saturated clothing and forming a puddle beneath him, he ripped open a draw, nothing personal in his draw. No pictures no little good luck charms, no momentums holding a story within each fibre of its being. Nothing to let you know that someone actually sat and worked there everyday, he slammed it closed. He grabbed at papers and scrunched them up in clenched fists. He lashed out at the computer that hummed almost silently in front of him, a large crack forming across the screen diagonally from one corner to the other. The humming stopped and the computer went black, tiny little scratches breaking off from the main crack that ran off in different directions, like veins away from the heart.

Shards stuck in his knuckles and he wrinkled his nose in discomfort as blood started to seep from the small injuries.

"Ianto," a shudder run up his spine and down his arms and he wondered what it was he felt exactly, fear, nervous, worried, hopeful, desperation, maybe all of the above and maybe not a single one. Jack reached out for him but he moved away, as if the touch would burn him, the other man frowned at the reaction. "What's wrong? Ianto?" and there was concern in his voice but it didn't feel like enough and Ianto started backing away from him as if even just looking at the man was causing him too much pain to be able to bear. Maybe it was,

Jack followed him, shadowed every step taken back with one taken forward, Ianto looked so scared, so broken and it hurt the Captain just to look at him because he looked so fragile and so hurt and maybe deep down he knew that he had something to do with it.

"Ianto, tell me what's wrong, please?" he shook his head, a disgusted smirk spreading across his face and turned on his heel and ran, ran with Jack right behind him and he screamed and he tore things from the wall and smashed things on the floor and Jack watched with nothing but worry in his eyes. "Ianto, stop," he did, whether he had obeyed or just decided enough was enough Jack would never know. He stopped and he fell against the wall, gripping it to stay standing.

"Ianto," Jack whispered softly as not to startle him, placing his hand gently on the young mans shoulder and searching for the eyes which refused to meet his own. "Speak to me, tell me what's wrong, please." He went to pull him into an embrace but the younger man pushed him away, taking a step back into a corner and wrapping his arms around himself.

"You," he confessed, a wall of tears shimmering in his eyes, "sometimes, the way you look at me, it's like you're settling for me." He muttered, tears slipping from his eyes and running down his cheeks, "do you think… do you think that I don't see the way you look at Gwen? Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I should not care? Do you not care? You're so absorbed in yourself Jack, you lead everyone on and leave us wondering where we stand." He shouted through sobs,

"Ianto…"

"Sometimes I think I do mean something to you, other times I think that I'm just 'good enough for now.' You don't listen, you don't ask, you don't know anything about me because you don't want to and that makes me think that it just makes it easier for you to play with me like you do. Do you even realise what you're doing?" He slid down the wall, crouching up in the corner, "I don't know what this is, I don't know what you want from me but it's too much, I'm not a toy Jack, I feel, I _hurt, _more and more each day that goes past with you." He buried his head in his hands, "it's crippling,"

"Ianto, I… I never meant to hurt you," Jack explained, kneeling down in front of the younger man,

"So why Jack? Why did you toy with me? If you don't care about me… what was the point, why did you need to make me feel as though you did, make me care so much for you? Why did you run after every other person that came along and then come back to me when you couldn't have them?" his body shook and the answer was simple, because Jack just hadn't realised. He hadn't meant for any of it.

"Ianto, listen to me, please." The young man lifted his head but didn't look at his Captain, just stared off to the side. "I didn't mean any of it, I guess it's because I've spent so much time on my own, using any one and anything for company." The eyes that fixed onto his then were filled with so much pain and hate and he knew he had phrased what he had been trying to say the wrong way.

"So you just used me?"

"No!" and a flicker in Ianto's eyes showed that he believed that statement, "no Ianto, it's everyone else. It's been so long since I felt the way that I do for you, and it scares me, and it scares me even more now, feeling like I'm loosing you. I like Gwen, I liked John, but what I feel for you it's so much more, so much stronger, if for a second I would have realised that I was jeopardising you, I wouldn't have carried on the way that I was."

"Jack…"

"I'm sorry Ianto," he reached out, caressing the other male's face, the soft skin beneath his fingertips so cold from the rain and the wind and he just wanted to hold him and make him forget everything. "Thinking about it, if it had been me watching you, it would have hurt me just the same. Just because I've lived for so long doesn't mean that I still don't make mistakes," Ianto stared at him, obviously looking to make sure that he was sincere in what he was saying.

"Ianto, I'm still a fool, and I don't think before I act, and I'm a terrible flirt, and I've done some terrible things in my life, but there's one thing I need you to know right now, and maybe something I should have told you a while ago, I love you and I never meant to, never wanted to hurt you like this. Seeing you so torn up, knowing that I'm the reason for it, I'm so sorry Ianto." Ianto allowed for his head to fall back against the wall, closing his eyes tightly. Part of him didn't want to accept what Jack had said as being enough, but another part of him just wanted to look into his Captains eyes and let all the insecurities fade away.

"What if it's not enough Jack?" he asked, voice low and husky, making Jack melt a little inside, the elder man reached out once again, cupping his hand around the back of the others neck. It felt strange in a way, how frightened Jack was of loosing the man that he had refused entry to Torchwood on several occasions, who had fought for his place within the establishment and become a very valued team mate and so much more to Jack himself.

"Then I'll just have to try a little harder," Ianto's hand caught his attention, a fair bit of blood now coated the others fist, water still dripped from his clothes and he had started shaking as the cold of his body registered in his mind. "Come on, lets get you cleaned up and dried out," Jack suggested softly, a small smile graced the younger mans lips and he allowed Jack to grab hold of him and help him up. Leant on the other as they made their way to Jacks room.

The elder sat Ianto down on the bed, grabbing a first aid kit from a nearby draw and beginning the small task of cleaning and bandaging the others injured hand. Ianto watched him as he carefully tended to the cuts, meticulous in how he cleaned each small wound and wrapped the bandages tightly to the flesh. Ianto reached out, gently running his uninjured hand into Jacks hair. Jack just looked up at him and smiled that devilish smile at him before rising to his feet in front of his companion.

"Come on Ianto, you need to get out of these clothes, they're soaked." Jack explained, sounding almost as though he was telling the younger off somewhat for being out in the rain in the first place. Ianto kept the witty comeback to himself, not quite sure it was appropriate in the current situation. He was lost in thought as Jack began to remove Ianto's jacket, then peel the soaking shirt from the cold skin. Ianto shivered in the cool of the room.

"I'll go get you something warm to drink, you should finish undressing and then get into bed," Ianto nodded as his superior turned on his heel and stalked out of the room.

Jack returned a few moments later to see Ianto sat on the bed, the covers resting lightly around his waist as he traced circles on the cover to his left. Jack stared at him for a few moments leaning against the doorframe and just watching the other man as he sat oblivious to the scrutiny. Ianto glanced up eyes meeting Jacks own, the elder smiled and acted as though he had just walked in, bringing the two cups of tea over to the bed and sitting on the edge.

"Two cups of tea, not saying they'll be as good as yours because, well, I'm not that good at making tea, or anything food or drink wise really." Jack explained with a smile passing Ianto his tea.

"Thank you sir," he replied with a smile of his own, the first, Jack realised, that he had seen in a long time. Jack leant forward then, capturing Ianto's lips with his own and kissing him, tentatively at first, then when Ianto began to respond it became more passionate, more desperate. They parted and Ianto all but blushed, averting his gaze from the other as he sipped his tea. He spluttered a bit and Jack raised an eyebrow at the strange reaction he had just witnessed to seemingly nothing. "I'm sorry sir but that truly is the worst cup of tea I have ever had in my life," he chuckled and Jack mock frowned,

"I'm sure it's not that bad," he smirked taking a sip of his own and almost choking, Ianto laughed, Jack just raised his hands placing the tea on the side to be forgotten about, "why do you think I hired someone to make my warm beverages for me?" he asked rhetorically with a smirk and wink. Ianto put his tea down next to Jack's, "it's one of the few skills that I never managed to master." The elder whispered, so close to Ianto's lips that his breath danced across the soft skin that resided there.

"It's um, it's late, maybe I should be heading home," Ianto muttered, clearing his throat a little, Jack grabbed hold of his shoulder, preventing the young man from going anywhere.

"Stay, Ianto, please stay, just lye down," he gently pushed the other man back onto the bed, lying down beside him as he did so, he wrapped his arms around the younger male, placing a gentle kiss on the back of his neck as he pressed himself up to the others back. "Just go to sleep, rest up a little bit, I think you need it," Jack whispered into his ear, holding him tightly, placing a few more kisses onto Ianto's neck and listening as the breathing became shallower.

He sat there all night, just watching as the younger male slept, taking note of every facial movement, of every toss and turn, he didn't think he could remember a time when he had felt so content and in that moment, he never wanted morning to come.

XxxxX

_Well there it is, I think it moved a bit fast but I just wanted to write a fic where Ianto addressed the fact that Jack flirts with everything that walks past n.n, hope you enjoyed and thank you for reading._


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